


Son

by anon-j-anon (Anon)



Series: This is what I see [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Grief, M/M, POV Second Person, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 07:01:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/859227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon/pseuds/anon-j-anon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You think you're infallible. You think you can't make a mistake. It's a pattern with you. The rules are for other people. And what's worse is you're using blind luck to justify your playing god."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Son

 

You have not lost a single crew member since becoming captain of the  _Enterprise_. 

You don't include the  _Narada_  deaths in this account.  You were a stow-away then, it was not your ship but Pike's, then Spock's.  Not yours.  It was not your crew then.  If it were, perhaps you would have acted differently later.

After death, you are shocked by how easily you are manipulated in grief.  Admiral Marcus calls you "son."  You know it's a figure of speech.  But when he traces his lineage-- the man who recruited the man who recruited you-- your allegiance shifts in that moment and you don't question your orders.

You emotionally compromised Spock.  You remember now how he did his best to lead his crew (you didn't think of them as your crew, not until you got your commission, you didn't think of the lives you cost because they weren't your lives).  He didn't try to go after Nero.  He tried to do what was right, what made sense, what was logical.  He tried to consider the needs of the many-- the needs of the Federation, and the needs of his crew.  You convinced him to go alone.  The needs of the few.

You didn't even convince him.  You compromised him to do what you wanted.  They hated you for that-- Uhura made it clear-- but they weren't your crew.  You were right, so you didn't care.

When Pike dies, Spock does everything he can to keep the damage under control.  You sign yourself (yourself, not your crew) up on a suicide mission disguised as justice, assume your crew would live because you have never lost a crew member.  When Marcus puts his face on the deaths of those who took your orders, you see everything clearly for the first time.

Son.  Pike called you son, took you under his wing, believed in you.  He was a mentor, the one who recruited you, the one you reported to.  Spock knew him longer.  Spock witnessed his death, fucking melded with him.  Spock lost his mother.  Spock lost everything-- every one, every thing-- for mistakes he never made and he never once calls you a hypocrite.  He only tries to keep you alive.  He tries to keep your conscience.  You thought all this time that he did not feel.  Now you know.

He never tells you he knows how you feel.  He never thinks to share or compare griefs.  He follows you, he thanks you for reinstating him, he immediately lays down the boundaries you disregarded and grounds you to an unspoken truth: revenge will not bring back the dead.  Vengeance is not justice.  Nero lost his wife and child, Khan lost his crew and you-- you lose one man who was not even your father before you go seek the death of worlds.  Marcus laid out the terms clearly to you in the mission brief.  You could start a war.  You tell him you don't care.  That is why he uses you.

Spock sees this and tries, desperately and with urgency, not to let you die in usage.  When he tells you that you are emotionally compromised, you finally agree.  Marcus, ordering your deaths, finally gets it through to you.  This is why death is written on your face from that point onward.  This is why you give Spock the job of negotiating for all your lives.  This is why it's easy-- logical-- that you give up your life to realign the warp core.  You were never their captain.  You always put their lives on the line.  Pike was right.  He never told you this: The moment you sacrifice your life is the moment you truly become captain of your ship.

Seeing Spock through the glass, you regret so much.  That you are dying, when he tried to keep you alive.  You are selfish-- you're glad to see him in your last moments.  You're glad to see-- all this time, he loves you as much as you love him.  You are dying, but you force the truth from him one last time.  And hope, and pray, he will find someone better than you could ever be.

When you stop breathing and your eyes go blank, you regret you never said you're sorry.

 

 


End file.
